Sometimes…

I get so distracted looking to the future, worrying about the future and planning for it — but we’re talking short-term future here, like type-A summer planning, for example — that I forget about appreciating what’s in front of me. One of my talents is overbooking myself: handing out most of my free time to the highest (or lowest) bidders, because I’m worried about having too much free time. I need an income, after all!

But then I think, do I have not enough time now? Have I overbooked myself? Usually this only leads to more worrying, which culminates in an almost quarterly mini-freak out where I call Jose and he reminds me that this happens every quarter, and things aren’t as big of a deal as I’m making them.

I’m in a similar predicament now, of straddling a line between having a lot of time for myself, and taking on a second job and having substantially less of it. But I need an income, after all, especially for this next upcoming year of being abroad (and not having an income), then swindling enough money to cover my last two quarters of tuition.

One thing that helps me get a better sense of judgment when planning my life in such a way is talking to other people. I hear their own stories and ultimately become humbled by what I hear, in addition to gaining a lot of new respect for that person along with the capacity of humans in general to take on massive loads of work, stress and responsibility on a daily basis, because most of the time that’s just what needs to happen. Talking to other people puts my own life in perspective.

It all reminds me of a quote by David Foster Wallace that I hope I never forget, in his commencement speech to Kenyon College (paraphrasing here): life means realizing that I’m not the center of the universe, even while my default setting is to assume otherwise. 

Sometimes, I need to keep reminding myself of this, over and over, until my problems become easier to understand, and until I can humble myself into a clearer perception of the world, my place in it, and what I want my future to be.

Cool night rain

This thunderstorm going on in Chicago right now is awesome. Super heavy rain but the temperature is nice, it smells wonderful (that’s petrichor for you) and it’s helping me chill out my brain after what has been a long day, a long week. School is still enjoyable but my brain is on its last leg, I don’t have the same stamina I had at the beginning of the school year. I’m not doing poorly but I am not pushing myself as much as I could, should, can. I don’t like being this way; I don’t know how much of this lethargy is self-induced, but I do know that I am getting tired for whatever reason. This summer will be equally busy but somehow, once this quarter’s classes end, things will be easier even with that short break.

P.S. It’s hailing! Still awesome.

Ruminating

About a week ago I was having a conversation with a guy who, just as we were parting, said “Insha’Allah” in response to something I said, and I said it back like it was lighter than air.

That memory reminds me of the last day I spent in Madrid last year. I was at the airport and, confused about what the overhead speaker said about boarding times, went up to a woman worker and she told me in Spanish that flights to Philadelphia weren’t boarding yet, this one was to DC, and I nodded and said thank you and turned away before I realized that I understood everything just like that, even without catching every word she said.

Learning a new language turns out to be a wonderful thing when it just — clicks — even before you realize what’s happened.

Temporality

I feel weirdly productive for finding a new tumblr layout in the same way as if I organized my room or bought new school supplies or something. Things are nice and neat in a new visual format. Now I just need to apply that organization/focus to packing up my room and the apartment over the next month, cause I’m MOVING soon!

The unit below my future apartment had a sign on the door that said PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES! and a big shoe rack that was packed (with lots of children’s shoes) right outside the door. And then a laminated sign with something long written in Arabic was on the door. Would that be a prayer..?

Either way, I thought it was very cool. Don’t really have anything more creative to say about it because my brain is getting tired but the change in scenery will be a good experience.

Getting things together.

I can be on tumblr for such a long time finding cooler and cooler stuff, but it’s not helping me start this paper.

The weeks keep bleeding together with things to do on top of more things to do… but eventually they all amount to something. Like, a new apartment!

Still playing constant catch-up with school. Still cobbling together options for what I’m doing this summer (i.e. where I’m going to make money this summer, because that is a must). Still loving the chubby kitty and still sorting out Life Plans. College has pushed me in ways I didn’t think was really possible, and soon that will all amount to something too.

Ready…..focus!